You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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