So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
