This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
