he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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