evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
