the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
