Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
