Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
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Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
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I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.