saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.