I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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