I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
