I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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