watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Is it because I queefed?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
