I think my vagina is haunted
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
