Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
