I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
