I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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