just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
