i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
