i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
