Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
