I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
