my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
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were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
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I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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