Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
