miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
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my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize