i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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