There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
