I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
