I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
