I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
