Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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