the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
