Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
