I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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