I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
