we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize