He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
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Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
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I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.