My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me