Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Mom said you looked used
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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