you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
That accounts for only three of the penises
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
