Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
