the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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