My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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