i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
