think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
