im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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