I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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