I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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