I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
