I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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