I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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