If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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