i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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