a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
