I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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