batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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